I find myself fighting, with myself-- rejecting the change. The old me who doesnt want to let go completely of what I had, an old friend visiting once again on Saturday. And yet the new me tired of impressing others and trying to convince them and possibly myself of who I am. What do I have to lose? I find that I dont know what to use facebook for anymore--if I ever truly did have a designated use. Networking for jobs? dating? friends? Is it possible to use it for all those while maintaining the image of me? Perhaps that is where the problem lies. I have been lying for so long about who I am, I dont know anymore. I should be able to balance all of these personas and yet I am worried I cant. Afraid that with one I will sacrifice the others. Perhaps I should do what I know some people do and portray myself as having deficits, weaknesses, being a boring person. Almost a sarcastic tone to life as to hide who I am and then when others actually meet me and engage me, they are surprised. Is it not a famous saying that says to fear the ones that dont intimidate you, that you dont feel threatened by? The portrayed innocent and timid ones are always the masterminds of power.
But then I cant help but think, who cares?! Who seriously cares how many friends you have? Who cares that you do outdoorsy things? Who cares that you had a crazy weekend and passed out in the bathtub? Ha. That's just it. No one does. Its there for the moment to transfer a thought, maybe send a message. Over time those message build into false judgments and then what? People react. Sex, hate, envy, pity. These are the true feelings people begin to feel. Our friends we thought we had are now puppets to stand beside us. The guys and girls we obsessed over notice the extent of our intentions and abilities. Who cares. Actions speak louder than words and pictures and 'likeable' pages. BE who you say you are. DO what you say you do. That is the real test anymore. Back to the basics. The complexity of culture is too much that we have now come back full circle. First attempting to be something out of this world--advanced and modern. Then its a maze to find our way back to simplicity, what really matters. Truth. Honor. Trust. How hard it is to rely on these anymore. Corruption indeed. We are looking so hard into the future we have forgotten about the present. Our entertaining lives distract us from what is real and lasting.
I'm tired of pretending that I care, when I really don't.
