Day 21: Post me.

Facebook. Damn the word. Only 21 days?!? In the last 19 days since my most recent blog (I am very aware of my time away), I have attempted to avoid the computer as much as possible and the temptation it offers. I do not think many realize the social pressure to join this network and the countless reminders as to its presence. F*ck Facebook. Bitterness has set in to the point that I cringe whenever I hear the word--its everywhere. Movies, buses, websites, people, phones, television, billboards, radio, products, etc etc etc. Everywhere. It gnaws at you like an annoying pest, mocking the absence of my once welcomed drug.

So many opportunities have changed for myself in the passing weeks, for the worst. A few off the top of my head are dull yet surprisingly true. Contests require Facebook "likes", discounts/coupons require adding a page, people in general have shunned me because of my so called 'lack of communication'. My own close friends and family deliver updates and information late--finding out last that they were given a new promotion at work, canceled a big trip, surgery follow-ups, or their plans for the weekend. Ironically for not noticing these statuses, I get in trouble, because of my lack of response. I have found others holding me accountable for not acknowledging such important details despite their lack of personal outreach to me. My fault? Ha. Clearly my lack of membership has begun to exclude me socially and placed other's resentment on my actions.

Yet despite the accusations and ill thoughts towards my rehabilitation, I can honestly say I feel happier. Sounds corny I know, but I no longer see or dwell on what others are doing or not doing. I also have begun to cherish interaction/conversation much more. Especially knowing that, at least for new people I meet, I could very well not talk to this person again--unless we exchange phone numbers. I also do not check my Facebook during dinners or events, focusing on the people Im actually with. It is however getting annoying that I have to remind people that Im not on Facebook. Everyone just assumes that you are online and hopes that they can reach out to you there anytime. Not in my case, which actually limits my opportunities with others--narrowing the social window.

Another discovery is that Facebook is seemingly convenient for mass distribution of facts. Rather than call one person at a time, you post to the world and receive acknowledgment through comments and 'likes'. I find myself having to text and contact others on more occasions, soaking up more time. I wish I could ask those friends I have contacted if they feel we have progressed with our friendship or if it has remained constant since the switch. Is reaching out to a person one at time contribute to quality in relationships more so than Facebook or is this previous assumption incorrect?

While on my trip in Chicago 2 weeks ago (right after my leave of absence began) I indulged in the everyday pleasures of entertainment to distract me. Aka Alcohol. Now that my connections with others have dissipated, I urgently clung to the night life for interaction. Not to mention my lovely sister's assistance to forget my current situation. However, countless times that we were together she would check her Facebook, out of which she claims as a 'natural response'. Are we being programmed now to check intermittently what others think of our actions and thoughts? How exhausting! I will admit I find myself inquiring with others if they commented on my wall, merely because I want to know if anyone notices Im gone. Is this self reflection or a need to be socially recognized? I proceeded consecutively that week for my sister to check my FB--searching for a reaction from anyone, as if I threw a pebble into a pond awaiting the ripples.

Mentally I have also created a list. A list of things that I will do when I get back on to the social network. Pictures to post, new friends to add (which I have been writing down) and of course my new status upon my return. Status updates constantly linger in my head, wishing I could share my own life experiences and thoughts with others. While sitting at the airport, eating dinner with friends, or having an embarrassing or crazy moment--I now find myself living it alone. A question I began to ask myself was, does it still mean as much if I know that no one will know what Im doing. Then again because of the globalization factor involved with Facebook, somehow others have still included me in the actions. With this in mind I would recommend already based on my experience, that if you plan on leaving Facebook for long periods of time, deactivate your account. Others still have control of the image you are emitting and very easily can post content you do not wish to be posted and not of your own accord. I myself even hired my sister to periodically check the content on my page, to avoid any hinderances on my virtual self. My avatar must retain the initial intended persona, untainted.

I also recognized that our need to share details may very well be for attention on some level, but that most of the items I have pondered of documenting, are simply in hopes of creating a smile, enlightening someone, or creating a laugh in the person who reads it. The point in sharing some of my own personal life experiences is therefore to enrich the lives of others. Jokes or shocking news reports I hear I wish I could share to inform those listed as my so-called friends. (Mentally noting the Google Translate post and a comment regarding the 8.9 Earthquake in Japan, I very much so wanted to update my status on.) As a side note the information I post about myself could very well be to maintain an image or get a reaction out of people so I emotionally feel better. Selfishness.

In addition to these perhaps minor but equally important realizations, I find myself having to describe things much more now. In a social conversation if a friend doesn't know who I am talking about I can no longer pull up their picture on mobile Facebook. If I forgot my phone at work and didn't remember the numbers I needed--Facebook could have offered a listing, chat or a message option. Without this website, I am SOL much of the time when it comes to communicating. I've therefore had to reach out to others to get information relayed.

So all in all I am slowly realizing the many opportunities for socialization it offers as well as its hinderances. I still periodically get cravings to get online and find myself looking for more things to entertain me on a daily basis. Still have three weeks to go and the days could not go faster before I can feel included in the lives of those around me, once again. Tick Tock.

Day 2: Please, just this once...

I had another creepy and weird Facebook dream, ironic how prior to this experiment I never had any of these. I suppose it goes to show that once you can’t have something you want it even more—even subconsciously. Luckily today I was extremely busy, to the point that signing on and checking to see who “liked” my pictures or status, was barely noticed. However, in between my blurbs of work, every moment of calm was replaced with that of the urge to check my damn page. Starting to realize that my life truly was centered on Facebook. How sad is that?

Now I understand that not everyone is this way and honestly if asked I would have said hell no I am not reliant on Facebook—I can quit anytime. Ha. Oh the lies we tell ourselves.  While conducting interviews regarding this experiment, a friend of mine even said, “Why not delete your page completely”.  Delete my wwwhat? Why would I want to do that? Again, confirming my addiction. But yet he has a point, there is a complete difference between abandoning your page for a few weeks versus knowing it can never be viewed by anyone ever again—literally erasing your virtual existence. All I could think about when given this suggestion was all the time and energy I had put into creating my page aka image. All those pictures unsaved, all the comments documented in history, all the friends contact information. Gone. Seems like a waste to leave behind, does it not? Immediately defending why I should only temporarily take a break. Little did I know he had deleted his a while back, standing by his decision.

In the midst of my troubles today I also noticed my need to ask everyone and anyone about Facebook. It became a goal to talk about it whenever possible, as if that would deplete my need. I also got to the point of asking my sister to check my page. Is that constituted as cheating?  Ha. I begged her that this would be a one-time occurrence. Well truth be told she did not tell me anything other than the fact that she checked my page. Curiosity is a powerful tool and curse.

Ironically as I have given up using Facebook, one starts to notice how often it is surrounding us in our daily lives. Almost as a subliminal message. On the radio this morning on my way to work they advertised the station on the website. Then at work my co-worker made a joke regarding his friend and his Facebook page. Later, my friend mentioned the humor of putting something on Facebook as a joke, and then on my way to the airport not only did my ride mention something he read on Facebook regarding his friend, but the airline advertised it as well.  I feel as if I’m being haunted by the one thing I cant have.  With this in mind, it seems that people use Facebook as a huge reference piece to talk about. It is the ‘go to’ in conversation With on average I would assume to be over 200 friends each, we have that many ‘stories’ to share and utilize in normal conversation.

Day 1: Why??

As the clock struck midnight I took one last glance at the screen and then logged off for my long and dreaded 40 day marathon. Instantaneously I realized my own solitude and the ugly brown color of my bedroom walls. Why did I do this again?? The first question that popped into my head as I struggled to answer. Oh yes to prove something to someone in hopes of doing that one thing. However despite my sudden emptiness, I immediately felt free. No one to impress or avoid, no comments I'd have to comment back to, no pokes to click, etc.. It was as if I had just quit a part-time job and was given numerous hours in a day to do whatever the hell I wanted. The chains were revoked.

Funny enough, once word got around of my last post or "note" regarding my brilliant idea to challenge myself, the reactions from others was quite entertaining. My chat box was probably the busiest it has been in awhile as simultaneously I held at least 7 conversations explaining my reasoning behind my actions. Everyone was trying to get in one last conversation with me as if I were dying, regardless of the fact that we rarely ever chatted in the first place. Ha. Questions or comments of FB friends included that of, how will I get ahold of you, what will you do, and my personal favorite I will miss you. This will be key to my book reference, that act of missing someone who really isn't even there. Now many will probably take slight comfort in the fact that my photo and information is still posted, but the key component is that that in itself is not ME. Its a picture of me and some descriptors of what I want to represent myself as. People wont miss ME, they will miss the idea of me as well as the opportunity of potential instant connection. Forgetting about that thing that Graham Bell created.

Moving on to my first day, as with any usual day, the urges to sign on came and went-- what I would assume to be the usual cravings of  any addict in my position. Some may say that simply by keeping this memoir of thoughts I am still contributing and yet still attached to the social network. Yes perhaps, but by not allowing others to comment or even know 'who' is associated with viewing my information, I am still confined to my own existence void of direct judgment. Hence the social experiment at hand. If no one can see me, hear me or stalk (aka 'follow') me, do I still exist. Kind of like the philosophical question that most people have heard: If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a noise?

I find myself more motivated than ever to make it the 40 days, hoping I really do not need Facebook. I actually feel that it should get easier with each coming day...or at least hope so. After all, why on earth would I need to know what everyone I have ever possibly met in the last few years is doing everyday? The important people in my life who I allow to influence me should be the ones I have 'real-life' contact with and should not be hindered by this charade.

So the question continues on...Why do we feel we need Facebook? Can we feel a part of something bigger without actually being a part of a website that is well known and often visited? Can I abandon everyone I call my 'friend' in that virtual world? And can I make it the next month and a half, without even finding a use for Facebook that I do not already have access to? I believe at this point, it all comes down to the acceptance of being okay with the fact that I could very well be a Nobody. Yet when will that time come when I recognize my own literal social status? Especially when even as we speak a countdown on my desktop inches towards the day where I can sign on to that perfect shade of blue and ### Friends to see those little red flags, screaming "Welcome home Juliet".